2002 REPLACEMENT PLAYERS
by John Korsgaard
This week, I need to bring you up to date on the latest news in the labor front.
The threat of the work stoppage brings most folks minds to 1994. There was also1995 when we had the threat of something called REPLACEMENT PLAYERS.
The latest news is that if we do have replacement players, a class action suit will be filed to have replacement nicknames for the teams while they field replacement players.
Nicknames that inspire and depict strength and dignity need to be replaced by nicknames that still correpsond to the original nickname but depict the inferior, uninspiring status.
The new nicknames will be:
AL WEST
Seattle Landlubbers
Oakland Couch Potatoes
Anaheim Tinkerbells (owned by Disney after all.)
Texas Deputy Fifes
I think you get the idea here. The new nickname is reminisicent of the old but represents the steps down in the product. We continue..
AL CENTRAL
Chicago Desenex
Minnesota Fetuses
Cleveland Papooses
Detroit Alley Cats
Kansas City Trailer Trash
AL EAST
Boston Hangnails
Baltimore Mosquitoes
Toronto Geese
Tampa Bay Beached Jellyfish
New York Yanqui-Stay-Homes
NL WEST
Arizona Earthworms
Colorado Gravel
Los Angeles Barely Ambulatories
San Francisco Petites & Junior Petites
San Diego Excommunicants
NL EAST
Atlanta Chickenhearts
New York Bumpkins
Philadelphia Empties
Florida Minnows
and, of course,
Ex Montreal Ex
You may wish to create your own. I think I've captured the idea in the NL Central of moving form a nickname of greatness to a nickname of mediocrity or comtempt.
Pittsburgh Galley Slaves
Cincinnati Pale Pinks
St Louis Choir Boys
Houston Hitchhikers
then, finally, we have the slightly more subtle...
Milwaukee Commissioners
and for a paragon of entrenched disappointment
Chicago...
Cubs
If there is replacement and it lasts long...I propose some new statistics.
One rather simple and one very sophisticated...
For each game, take the last five years attendance average for that date, subtract the actual game attendance. Multiply by 55% for the home team ownership and apply the remainder to the visitors. This gives you each owner's:
Shuns Created
Take the weekly total league Shuns Created, divide by 7 for days of the week.
Divide that index by 15 (half total teams). Multiply the result by 3.571 (my own integer which represents for each person no longer in attendance the number of people not reading the paper or looking up the standings on-line.)
Multiply that total by the number of replacement player mental lapses shown on ESPN. {You may wish to separate amusingly entertaining ones from dsiconcertingly unprofessional ones, I'm not sure}
The result is the weekly figure you will use to track the decline as the weeks go by. The figure you get from subtracting the second week from the first week is the Systematic Estimate for Loss of Interest in the Game or just use the acronym S.E.L.I.G
